The existential anxiety of a 40-something research scholar

In our classroom lecture by a visiting professor from one of India's top institutes, I came to know this- It is better if one becomes an Assistant Professor by the time they hit 40. After that, and I paraphrase- It becomes very difficult, very very difficult...

I hit the big four oh! the year I decided to call it quits on a dead end job which was offering me neither enough money nor enough challenges, and try to fulfil my childhood dream of being called DR. And of course that also meant, that at this age I was ready for a do-over. Get into academics, see if I could make a future here. I gave myself one year to get admission into a prestigious course, drew up a list of universities/ institutions I would try, and shot off my first email to TISS which had just opened its admission process. 

I first realised that I was getting into something where I could be a misfit, at the final admission interview in TISS. Before that the admission procedure consisted of sending in a proposal, and a written test. Yes the written test was in a classroom but an exam is a sort of a cocoon where you tend to just focus on yourself, your mind, and your pen and paper. But the interview was another thing. We were bunched into a hall to wait our turn in front of the panel, and I found myself to be a sari-clad exception in terms of age... which means to say some of the candidates were barely a few years older than my elder daughter. However, neither anyone at the panel of interviewers, nor any single person when I started my M Phil even brought it to my notice that I was any different to anyone else, neither the professors, nor my lovely batchmates, many of whom became good friends with me.

So the above comment scared the **** out of me, properly. When I cry myself to sleep at night, I usually comfort myself saying that it does not matter if I make it or not. For me, this journey is more important, not the destination. And then I realised, if that could be true for everything one does, it would make our existence so much easier to bear. Whether it be true or not. Let the journey matter, and the destination just be a bonus.

And age may not be just a number, but ageism, like any -ism is not cool. So if any institute makes it difficult for anyone above 40 to get ahead as they should, then they should have a relook at their system.